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News and views on Israel, Zionism and the war on terrorism.

March 20, 2003

How to Write a Hate Israel Column

Twenty steps for success!

1. Use the term 'Zionist' liberally. Even if the context isn't clear.

2. The Zionist Entity is a good fall guy.

3. If you mention Ariel Sharon, ALWAYS follow it up with 'the butcher of Sabra and Chatilla.' For dramatic effect.

4. If a Jew speaks out against Israel, utilize the novelty. Thus, it is vitally important that you let the reader know they are a Jew.

5. Talk about 'Zionist opression' in order to close logic gaps. For example, if you need to reconicile how women in Saudi Arabia are beaten regularly by their husbands while in Israel that would be a crime, blame the Zionists for opressing the Arab people.

6. If an Israeli bulldozer knocks down one Palestinian home, it's worse than Auschwitz.

7. If you take information from a Hamas website, treat it as fact. If you take information from the Jerusalem Post, treat is suspiciously.

8. The Holocaust didn't happen, but Israeli Occupation is worse than it anyway.

9. If you write for Reuters, NEVER use the word 'terrorism.'

10. Remember that Rachel Corrie was killed in a tragic accident murdered by Zionist thugs. If you're writing for an American audience, remind them that she was an American. (For international audiences, don't remind them, since they hate Americans.)

11. If Ariel Sharon is found guilty of war crimes by a Belgian court, praise the decision as a defining moment for international justice (provided it doesn't happen to Arafat).

12. If Ariel Sharon is found innocent by that same court, decry the trial as a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

13. There was a massacre in Jenin. A big, huge massacre. Worse than the Holocaust. Lots of people (we don't know how many due to a Zionist coverup) died. (Note: Ignore the reports of Amnesty International, the Red Cross and HRW. While usually right, they are wrong this time.)

14. Historical context is unimportant. History begins in 1948 when evil Zionist Stormtroopers came out of the clouds and vanquished the peace-loving Palestinians from their villages.

15. Palestinians who kill woman and children not 'terrorists.' They are martyrs!

16. Israeli soliders who knock down houses to stop terrorists martyrs from shooting at them are the REAL terrorists.

17. Israeli Settlers are not people. They are a subhuman, mutated pseudohumanoid species bred in a secret laboratory by evil Zionist scientists who want to create an army of SuperJews to take over the world.

18. Every Israeli is a settler, no matter where they live.

19. Mention 'Greater Israel' a lot. It's not neccessary to be consistent about what this means, just mention it.

20. If you've got no fresh ideas, blame the Zionists.