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January 11, 2003

Slim pickings. Muslim Martyrs Complain About Quality of Virgins in Paradise
Mecca - Muslim leaders from around the world hastily assembled today in the most holy city of Islam for an emergency meeting to discuss alarming reports that not all is well in Paradise.

"It appears that some of our young martyrs are displeased with the virgins they have received in Paradise," said Sheik Ali bin Farabi, Chairman of the influential Committee to Get Morons to Blow Themselves Up and Kill Infidels. "You see, Islam is a religion of love, and is based upon getting young people to strap sticks of dynamite to their bodies and go into malls and discos so that they may kill many, many innocent infidels. This is the will of Allah. Of course, most young Muslims these days are corrupted by the vile Western world with its indoor plumbing and Red Fusion Dr. Pepper, and so we must promise 72 virgins to any young person who fulfills the loving message of Islam by blowing up infidels."

This reporter was able to interview several martyrs in Paradise where morale levels as of late have become dangerously low. "I was robbed," said "Mohammed," a 15-year old martyr from Hebron. "Man, if I had known that all my 72 virgins were going to be Arab girls, I'd have never put on that vest filled with 12 pounds of plastique and blown myself up in that crowded daycare center. Geesh, those Arab girls have bigger mustaches than Sam Elliott's. Say what you will about the accursed Zionist chicks, but at least they're hot."

Some martyrs are even questioning the bona fides of their virgins. "Yeah, I was like, so shocked, when I saw that Halima was one of my virgins," said "Ali," a 16-year old martyr from the Golan Heights. "She may technically be a 'virgin," but she's a slut, that's for sure. Heck, I saw her give a hand job to Binky bin Laden in 8th grade during Weapons Class. And everybody says she went all-the-way with Joey al Haqa ibn Mashari last year during Ramadan."

Several martyrs have gone so far as to hire lawyers and are looking into the possibility of posthumously converting to Christianity. The majority, however, describe themselves as "majorly bummed," and have decided to stick with camels.